Wednesday 22 January 2014

The tooth fairy



The sorts of things that run through my head in the wee hours are things like this: why aren’t humans born with milk teeth? If a baby or toddler had more milk and calcium in one day; would the teeth grow more quickly than on another day? With all the modern science, medicine and research, why hasn’t the growth rate of teeth been sped up and how can pain be reduced to a minimum?

These dental musings are both ridiculous and delirious in equal measures.

For some reason, the tooth fairy likes to show an appearance in the night only. But instead of whisking away teeth – leaving a glittery dust and wonga in her trail – she is there to supervise the cutting of a new fang: to make sure it’s appearance is in the light of the moon, just when you are craving a little R&R.

Aside from purchasing a whole shelf of tooth-related items in the Chemist, here are some other things you may want to invest in, or consider, for soothing your sore-gummed sweetheart:
  • Pillows – squishy, supportive, soft and substantial. The more the better.
  • Muscles – those back rubs aren’t going to be any good if you’ve not built up your biceps. 
  • Hair – the longer the better for infant pulling (better yours than theirs) for when they are uncomfortable, frustrated and need a little grrrrrrab from your follicles. 
  • No amount of Googling for a miracle remedy will work. 
  • Re-training as a Witch Doctor. 
  • Sense of acknowledgement that none of your thoughts will make sense in the morning…

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